I have discovered the best book title of all time.
It’s James Watson’s Avoid Boring People.
It also happens to be one of the best ways to have better conversations.
Avoid boring people. It’s a useful mantra with a powerful double meaning. The first meaning is as simple as seeking out the people you find interesting. To avoid spending time with boring people sounds harsh, but it’s a valuable practice in how we invest our time. Jim Rohn famously wrote, “we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.” If that is true (and it is) then we are the average of the five people with whom we talk most. If we surround ourselves with interesting people with which to talk, our conversations, and ultimately our lives get better.
The real magic is in the second meaning--in reading “boring” as a verb.
Do not bore people. That might sound high pressure, but it’s table stakes for having better conversations. There are many ways to avoid boring people, but here are five techniques you can use immediately to avoid boring people.
1. Be interesting
Choosing interesting people to have most of your conversations with is a great first step. It increases your chances of having a better conversation, but it’s not enough. We must take personal responsibility for not boring the person we are in conversation with. People often struggle with calling themselves interesting, but it remains crucial to lifting our conversations.
The most direct path to being interesting is to begin with being interested. It’s difficult to fake curiosity. If you want to know more about your partner, you will ask questions. By leading with curiosity and practicing asking high-velocity questions, your conversations will improve steadily day after day.
Another way to be interesting is to tell stories. By now you have no doubt read about the power of storytelling to stick in the minds of our audience. Sharing brief stories in a conversation adds life and memorability to your conversation.
One final way to be more interesting is to utilize the power of specificity. Provide details. To understand the power of adding specifics, it is helpful to imagine a conversation with none.
Partner: I had this amazing wine last week.
You: Oh yeah, what was it called?
Partner: Ugh...I don’t remember.
You: How did you discover it?
Partner: The man at the wine store recommended it.
You: zzzzzzzzzzzz
I don’t know about you, but that is not the kind of conversation I want to have. I want my conversations to crackle with life. That conversation was boring because of the lack of specificity. No wine name. No tasting notes. No description of the store. I could go on and on. You have had a conversation like this, and I am certain that it was brief.
2. Listen better
Let your partner hear you listening. That’s right, when you are not waiting for your turn to talk, or redirecting the question back to you, the person in your conversation can hear you listening.
This is subject for an entire blog post, but for now, just listen--you don’t need another question at the ready until the person with whom you are speaking is done talking. Often, by the time my guest is finished talking, I will ask an entirely different question than I originally thought I might. Sometimes the final words or even the inflection of someone’s voice prompts me to ask a certain question. This is only possible when we listen fully to what our partner wants to share.
3. Make your conversation a performance
The best meals, the best dances, the best romantic experiences of our lives, all take on some level of performance. A heightened form of reality. A wonderful conversation should be no different. On a podcast, the presence of the microphone automatically raises the stakes because you know an audience will eventually hear your conversation. I want to encourage you to have conversations where there is an invisible microphone in front of you. At first this might sound inauthentic or like pressure. I want you to think about it more like play. Author Cathy Salit describes this idea as “being who you are and who you are not yet.” I love this idea for helping to transform our conversations.
Most of your conversations will not be recorded and played on a podcast for the world to hear, but I bet that when you think back on some of the most fulfilling conversations of your life, you wish they were.
To avoid boring people:
Find interesting people
Be more interesting
Listen better
Make the conversation a performance